The Sir Alex approach to Managing Single life

"It was a cold, wet and grey Sunday morning. The parched walls of my throat and the dull pounding in my head greeted me as I drifted into consciousness. My head was submerged in a shallow puddle of my own drool and although I wasn’t quite compos, I knew where I was, I’d been here before. I wiped the remnants of the dripping discharge from my mouth and noticed an unfamiliar marking on my wrist. I stared blankly at this blurred image until my eyes focused to confirm my suspicions – I was coming round from an alcohol induced stupor. I turned to my left and the empty space beside me could only mean one thing. I had failed to pull last night."

Above is an excerpt from a book I'm writing, "Tales of tequila". The excerpt is the foundation for this edition of football philosophy. In this segment I will use the parables of the greatest football manager of all time to explain why some men are successful at being single and why others aren't.

Be ruthless in the transfer market

For many single men, this is all too familiar a story. A story which could have been avoided if men took their approach to being single the same way Sir Alex Ferguson took his approach to managing his football club (Manchester United obviously). First of all, a nightclub/bar is the equivalent to the summer transfer window. You are there for one reason and one reason alone, to scoop talent! It’s a window of opportunity for you, single man, to acquire new talent for your squad. I always admired Sir Alex because every summer he would enter the transfer window already knowing what he needed and not waste any time to acquire it. But many single men approach the nightclub/bar with the David Moyes school of thought. They fanny about for too long chasing unrealistic targets only to find out at the end of the night they’ve failed to close a single deal and are going home alone – or worse, with Maroune Fellaini.

Keep your star performers

As a single man you need to know your first team squad. Know who your starters are and make sure your star players get regular first team football. Because if you don’t, you’ll lose them. Consider the curious cases of Daniel Sturridge and Romelu Lukaku. Both strikers had shown potential, promise and incredible ability but were overlooked by Mourinho and Roberto Di Matteo at Chelsea FC. Now the West London outfit are left with the impotent Fernando, the decaying Eto’o and Ba’s ticking time-bomb of a knee. Where are their former starlets? Flourishing in greener pastures in Merseyside. Again, many single men lose the plot and forget that keeping the squad sweet and holding onto talent is the only way to avoid a drought. So the next time you’re at home playing alone with your joystick, think about what Sir Alex would have done. He wouldn’t have let Van Nistlerooy go if he didn’t have Ronaldo, so why did you?

Substitutions win games

It’s Saturday night, date night. You’ve taken your date out for a few drinks, everything is going well, the banter is flowing, your hand is on her thigh and you lean in for a kiss – direct hit! In your head you’re cruising to victory. She gets up to go to the toilet and picks up her purse and you notice something in there. Yup, that. Man’s mortal enemy, that monthly visitor has reared his ugly head. You know what that means right? You’re not scoring tonight. It’s the 1999 Champions League final against Munich and you know the goal scorer isn’t on the pitch. You can’t be crowned champion by taking her home for a kiss and cuddles. What do you do? What did Alex Ferguson do? He made a substitution; he brought on Ole Gunner Solskjaer. We’ve all been there, at some point you realise your date is an FTW (f*cking time waster). But what do you do? Are you the Muppet that stays there buying your date more drinks? Are you the mug who shows unrewarded faith in your ineffectual starter when you have a super sub desperate to get off the bench and do you a good job?  Or are you the man who earns his knighthood by making a decision to substitute this FTW for a guaranteed goal to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat? Single man, there’s no shame in securing victory on the night, after all a victory for you is a victory for the team.

Final analysis

The philosophy is clear. If you want to be a successful single man you must mould your behaviours to be like Sir Alex. Don't let the plethora of talent overwhelm you in the transfer market like Sir Alex's successor. Hold on to talented team players and don't be afraid to ditch FTWs. There are two types of people in this world, winners and losers. Which one are you?

Finally, I shall leave you with a classic quote from American Pie. "You don't score, until you score".

That my friends, is gospel!